If I were to die tomorrow, I would do just one thing more…I would run, run barefooted on a deserted beach. Run towards nothingness, happiness…run and feel the cold water caressing gently the ankles that have held my body vertical for so long. To feel the sea at my feet and the wind gently sweeping through my flowery long dress. I would laugh as I run, laugh and laugh as if I had never laughed before a single day in my life.

I would care about no one, think about no one, and my past would not matter, not for an instant even. It would be just me, the sea and my eternity…everything would gently perish in front of the innocence of my soul, in front of my childlike laughter melting softly in the neverending breeze of the sea. I would not mind about the footmarks I leave behind me on the watery salty sand, I would not care of whom I leave behind me and of how many seashells my bare feet would squash in this demented, liberating galop of mine.

And while I would run, while I would spend my last moments on the surface of Mother Earth running, I would look towards the sunset, I would say thank you to the clouds, I would love the stars that are slowly starting to glimmer above my soul, and I would feel so Free. Free from all the social boundaries and never-ending corsets. I would feel free from all expectations, from all planes that I had ever made or have ever been made for me, I would feel free at last, from all the stories of my past and of my brain. Nothing else would matter but just be there and enjoy the freedom of running.

For if I were to die tomorrow, I would choose to die today. I choose the death of every second in my life. I choose that I live each and every moment of my existance in the presence of total freedom and innocence. In the acceptance of good and bad, in the beauty of the moment…letting go of that which no longer defins me, letting go of that which could ever defind me. I choose to find myself not in a new story or in a new symphony of life, but in the curiosity and unexpectancy of the future that has the chance to happen. I choose to find myself in that which has never existed and will never exist, but in the beautifulness and pure presence of this very moment.

For what am I truly?

I am something so great, so beautiful, so extraordinary that not even I can truly encompass in my understanding. I am the World and many worlds beyond it. I am the sea, and the wind, and the runner, and the second, and the death…

I am everything I could be…

`I am the master of my fate

I am the captain of my soul…`

Uneori ne uitam inapoi la ceea ce pare a fi trecutul nostru. Ne uitam la el si poate ne apare ca imaginea unei oglinde prafuite uitate pe pamantul rece al toamnei intr-o padure care este prea tanara sa isi lase frunzele sa cada. Stam si contemplam toti oamenii ce i-am lasat in urma noastra, toate zambetele care le-am epuizat, toate moemntele in care eram pur si simplu fericiti. Clipe efemere. Si in timp ce facem asta ne gandim poate pentru o clipa `ce vremuri`, si oftam, privind din nou cazuti pe gandurio cum a mai trecut o zi, o ora, o clipa din viata noastra, iar noi, nici macar nu am fost de fata sa o traim. Nu. Fiindca uneori suntem prea prinsi in ceea ce par povestile noastre.

Cateodata ma gandesc la faptul ca fiecare viata este ca un basm, si daca am strange toate povestile din lumea la un loc intr-un volum orice carti scrise pana acum ar pali in fata frumusetii si maretiei vietii. Nimic nu poate pe acest pamant sa surprinda mai bine emotia spiritului uman decat sufletul si inima. Nici un aparat de fotografiat, nici o pensula, nici o culoare, nici un ton, nimic. nici macar o poveste. Si apoi, am facea un foc mare mare, in care am arunca acest volum de tragic uman. Si l-am privi cum arde incet, cum fila cu fila din povestea noastra nu mai ramane nimic.

Eliberarea de trecut.

Si apoi am avea o optiune. Ne-am uita in oglinzile din casele noastre si am privii in ochii pe cineva nou. Cineva cu multe pagini albe de umplut in care poate sa isi scrie un nou vis.

Insa cati dintre noi vrem sa renuntam cu adevarat la trecutul nostru. Cati dintre noi suntem dispusi sa acceptam clar si concis ca traim doar intr-o iluzie, intr-o scena de teatru, intr-o piesa pe care o jucam cu niste protagonisti, doar pentru a ne da seama de fapt ce conteaza cu adevarat in vietile noastre. Opreste-te un moment. Uite-te in jurul tau, observa obiectele din camera ta, priveste-ti partenerul, familia, prietenii, si imagineaza-ti ca te afli intr-o poveste care ti-o spui tu singur in fiecare seara si in fiecare dimineata. Te afli intr-un decor, care, atunci cand vei muri pur si simplu va fi pus la pastrare intr-o incapere a teatrului vietii, vei avea numele trecut intr-o arhiva, si ceilalti actori, isi vor amintiintr-o seara de decembrie de tine.

Citeam intr-o carte faptul ca ne visam unii pe altii. Ne visam unii pe altii….

Life never happens like in the movies. Yes, I know you heard this before, but hey, I`m saying it for me, not for you! So yes, life doesn`t happen like in the movies. We don`t fall head over heels for our neighbour who happens to be tall, brunette and de bonaire (and single), and our future husbands or wives are not related with extremely wealthy families ( yes, royals are also in this category). So where are the perfect wives or husbands for each of us…unfortunately, my crystal globe ( yes I really own one) refuses to answer this question ( too many data, he says), so I think it`s best to ask them. Yes, carry yourselves out of depression, open that window in front of you and ask the universe, or you soul mate whom you`ve been expecting all of you life, this simple, marvellous, very exact question: Where are YOU??

I look around sometimes to the people around me…and I feel saddned…they have images to defend, problems to create and recreate, and they forget about the magik of life (it`s a `k` because I believe in the old rites), they forget to dazzle, to let themselves indulged in the fantasy of mother earth…they forget to look at  flower and see the life in it, and see how that flower grew and grew throughout weeks and days, hot the sun and the earth helped it survive, and how now, it shares it`s beauty with us. And guess what, that flower, let`s say Orchid, doesn`t pretend to be a rose or a lily, or a tree…

I believe that this is the direction of the people on earth now…towards self-acceptance, really knowing yourself and accepting yourself with your qualities and flaws, and towards rediscovering nature…the true nature behind work problems, concrete buildings and shape and form…

Still don`t know the answer to the question `where are you?`. Let me give you a hint…Go to the mirror, smile and ask again…Guess where the answer is…

So today, when I got out of bed I was determined to write…again The Fairy Godmother of Inspiration was on holiday in the Bahamas, so it seems that I`m going to have to handle it alone these days….

Please excuse me for being highly subjective, very honest and true, sarcastic at some points or maybe extremely romantic or feminine at others. It`s all a part of who I am, and although I don`t yet know if anyone is reading me, I will write this blog as a journal of life…of my life, of the life around me, of the life of my dreams and hopes.

So…yes, it feels more of me talking to myself on a daily basis, but hey, I`m a wonderful person to talk to so I know I`ll never get bored. Well, enough with the description, because I bet you all figured out up to this point that I have no idea of what to start blogging about, but oh boy, do I have a surprise in for you guys! I`ll blog (oh this expression seems so up-to-date ) about the one thing that has been on my mind since I woke up this morning…the dream I had…